Criza...de nervi! / Nervous breakdown

Am luat-o cu totii razna cu criza asta! 

Sunt 5 luni de cand aud acelasi refren: criza, criza, criza... Criza in presa, criza in companii, criza de inspiratie, criza de subiecte, criza de oameni, sau nu, ca aici e subiect discutabil, s-ar putea sa fie prea multi, asa se dau mari companiile care fac disponibilizari, de "crizati" ce sunt.

Nu stiu altii cum sunt, dar mie mi s-a luat definitiv de criza asta. Mi-e dor de vremile de alta data, cand interviurile in presa nu contineau invariabil raspunsuri la intrebarile "Veti face disponibilizari?" sau "Ati modificat estimarile privind evolutia companiei, in contextul crizei?".

Un subiect de presa are de regula o durata de viata limitata, insa de criza asta nu s-a mai saturat nimeni? Chiar si o veste buna e imbracata in haine de doliu, ca sa fie in trend...

Suntem pe marginea unei crize de nervi, oameni buni. O luam cu capul, unul cate unul. Incepem sa ne pierdem mintile, si pentru noi, astia care am apucat sa ne dam cu capul de criza asta, sau de hiperbolizarea ei, cuvantul CRIZA nu va mai fi niciodata la fel. 

N-ati vrea sa fim ai optimisti, sa ne axam putin pe ce merge bine, in ciuda crizei, babaul mare si urat care ne-a zapacit pe toti? 

Asta-s eu, mai optimista si mai increzatoare de fel. Poate se ia si la altii...

***

We've all gone crazy with this crisis! 

I've been hearing the same refrain for 5 months: crisis, crisis, crisis... Crisis in the press, crisis in companies, crisis of inspiration, crisis of subjects, crisis of people, or not, as this is a debatable subject, there may be too many, so companies are showing off by making redundancies, becausenwe are all in "crisis".

I don't know about others, but I am definitely fed up with this crisis. I miss the old days, when interviews in the press invariably didn't contain answers to the question "Will you be making redundancies?" or "Have you changed your estimates of the company's performance in the context of the crisis?".

A press story usually has a limited shelf life, but hasn't anyone had enough of the crisis? Even good news is dressed in mourning clothes, to keep it on trend...

We're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, people. We're taking it one head at a time. We're starting to lose our minds, and for those of us who've got our heads around this crisis, or the hyperbolization of it, the word CRISIS will never be the same. 

Wouldn't you like us to be the optimists, to focus a little on what's going well, despite the crisis, the big ugly bugger that has zapped us all? 

That's me, more optimistic and hopeful that way. Maybe it'll rub off on others...

De primavara / Spring

M-am reintors sa sterg panzele de paianjen asternute peste gandurile mele, atunci cand ele zburdau vesele intr-o parte si-n alta. 

M-am reintors sa scriu, doar pentru ca dimineata, prin nebunia orasului, cu claxoane, macarale, strigate, nebunii, am auzit, energica intr-un copac, o ciocanitoare... Si m-am trezit brusc in realitatea primaverii care ne inconjoara, si care a venit peste noi, chiar daca noi nu mai avem timp sau energie sa remarcam lucrul asta.

Si era asa de frumos altadata... Veneam fericita acasa cu ghiozdanul plin de martisoare de la scoala, si asteptam cu inflacarare sfarsitul saptamanii, sa merg cu tata sa culegem toporasi, si viorele, si lalele salbatice....de fapt nu, lalele salbatice nu mai culegeam, de cand vazusem posterul ala pe un copac in Crang, care spunea ca sunt protejate de lege...

Avem un loc unde mergeam in fiecare an, la capatul orasului, care imi parea asa departe atunci. Era liniste si pustiu, se mai auzeau in departare cateva masini trecand pe strada...

Trec des pe-acolo, si de fiecare data ma loveste in suflet sentimentul asta de fatalism si necazul ca n-o sa se mai intample niciodata. Am incercat sa vanez un alt colt de oras, al noului oras care ma gazduieste, dar nimic nu mai e la fel. E urat, trist si rece, si atat de putin ospitalier... 

A venit primavara, o alta primavara, niciodata aceeasi...

***

I returned to wipe away the spidery feathers that lay over my thoughts as they fluttered merrily to and fro. 

I came back to write, only because in the morning, through the madness of the city, with its horns, cranes, shouts, madness, I heard, energetically in a tree, a woodpacker... And I was suddenly awakened to the reality of the spring that surrounds us, and that has come upon us, even if we no longer have the time or energy to notice it.

And it was so beautiful once... I was happily coming home with my backpack full of martisoare from school, and I was looking forward to the end of the week, to go with my father to pick up some wild violets and wild tulips... Actually no, I wasn't picking wild tulips anymore, since I had seen that poster on a tree in thenparc, saying that they were protected by law...

We have a place where we used to go every year, at the margin of town, which seemed so far away to me then. It was quiet and deserted, you could still hear a few cars passing in the distance...

I pass by there often, and every time I get this feeling of fatalism and the grief that it will never happen again. I've tried to hunt for another corner of the city, the new city that hosts me, but nothing is the same. It's ugly, sad and cold, and so unwelcoming... 

Spring has come, another spring, never the same...

Vis / Dream

Lasa timpul sa mai stea in loc, asculta linistea, priveste-ma din umbra nepasarii si taci. Aduna saruturile inghetate pe buze si fa din ele nopti eterne de ganduri si vise. Asculta cum se strang firele de nisip in clepsidra, fiecare sapandu-si drumul pe fruntea mea. Si taci... Nu e nimic de spus, de amintit, de memorat. Se apropie timpul sa stam in loc cu totii, sa inghete vremea si sa umplem lumea de statui.

***

Let time stand still, listen to the stillness, watch me from the shadow of uncaring and be silent. Gather the frozen kisses on my lips and make them eternal nights of thoughts and dreams. Listen to the grains of sand squeeze into the hourglass, each one digging its way onto my forehead. And be silent... There's nothing to say, nothing to remember, nothing to memorize. The time is coming for us all to sit still, freeze the weather and fill the world with statues.

Din trecut / From yesterday

Trecutul m-a napadit ieri cu o violenta pe care nu o preconizasem. Si tot nu-mi vine sa cred ca sunt 14 ani care au ingropat atatea vise si oameni exceptionali, atatea locuri, intamplari si experiente. Mi-am uitat o mare parte din viata, si o sa continuu cel mai probabil sa uit si restul ei, pana o sa ramana o frantura de care nici nu merita sa-ti mai aduci aminte. M-am contopit cu un rol pe care il joc in fiecare zi, cu un zambet sec si cu o privire impaienjenita de prea multa concentrare. Nu-mi vine sa cred ca eram tot eu acum 14 ani, atat de diferita de acum. Ciudat este insa ca ma recunosc ceilalti...

***

The past overwhelmed me yesterday with a violence I had not expected. And I still can't believe that 14 years have buried so many dreams and exceptional people, so many places, events and experiences. I've forgotten most of my life, and I'll most likely continue to forget the rest of it, until it's left as a blur not even worth remembering. I've merged into a role I play every day, with a dry smile and an impatient look of too much concentration. I can't believe I was still me 14 years ago, so different from now. The funny thing is that others recognize me...

A mai trecut un an / Another year has gone

Stimata audienta, Sunt obosita, groaznic de obosita. De munca, de viata, de trebi... Azi a trecut un an de cand am schimbat ceva, in bine, sau in rau, depinde de ziua in care lansez afirmatia, de starea de spirit si de cantitatea de neuroni cazuti la datorie in perioada cu pricina. A fost un an bun, in care am contribuit sarguincios la consolidarea carierei mele de profesionist in "tainele comunicarii", dar si un an care mi-a brazdat cateva riduri adevarate pe frunte. Firul de par alb de care ma plangeam cu alte ocazii a cazut si el prada oboselii si asediului indarjit al periei, deci am scapat macar de stresul unei ierni timpurii in plete... Sa-mi fie de bine, sa am un an de doua ori mai bun, daca se poate :), si poate reusesc sa ma odihnesc in timp ce lucrez, daca nu cumva cer prea mult...

***

Dear audience, I'm tired, terribly tired. Of work, of life, of stuff... Today it's been a year since I changed something, for the better, or for the worse, depending on the day I launch the statement, the mood and the amount of neurons fallen to duty in that period. It has been a good year, in which I have contributed diligently to the consolidation of my career as a professional in the "mysteries of communication", but also a year that has furrowed some real wrinkles on my forehead. The white hair I used to complain about on other occasions also fell prey to fatigue and the relentless siege of the brush, so I at least escaped the stress of an early winter in my hair... May I have a year twice as good, if possible :), and may I manage to rest while I work, unless I ask for too much...

Scrisoare / Letter

Stiu ca te sacai mereu cu cereri care mai de care mai insignifiante, stiu ca rareori te vizitez acasa, cu toate ca mereu iti promit s-o fac. Dar mai stiu, Doamne, ca nu m-ai dezamagit, si esti acolo, o simt in orice clipa. Stiu ca m-ai ajutat sa "ma fac mare", sa trec peste greutati, sa invat, sa ma descurc in viata, sa am ce-mi trebuie, sa am prietenii alaturi... Te rog mereu cate ceva pentru ca stiu ca poti sa ma ajuti, cu toate ca de multe ori nu merit. Acum nu-ti cer decat o sansa la viata, sau la liniste. Tu stii cel mai bine, tu le-ai facut si decis pe toate. Alte vorbe sunt de prisos, ca si lacrimile, care se tot aduna in fiecare zi. Noi am facut tot ce se putea, acum depinde doar de Tine si de ea.

***

I know that you are always making more and more insignificant requests, I know that I rarely visit you at home, although I always promise to do so. But I also know, God, that you haven't let me down, and you're there, I can feel it every moment. I know that you have helped me to "grow up", to overcome hardships, to learn, to get on in life, to have what I need, to have friends by my side.... I always ask you for something because I know that you can help me, even though many times I don't deserve it. All I'm asking for now is a chance at life, or peace of mind. You know best, you've done and decided them all. Other words are superfluous, like the tears that keep piling up every day. We've done all we can, now it's up to You and her.

Scene din alt film / Scenes from a different movie

Imi propusesem sa scriu despre concertul Judas Priest, cu grandoare si spectacolul pe care le-a adus, despre mainile intinse in aer si pletele scuturate ritmic, despre decibeli, lumina si culoare. In cap insa mi se zbat alte ganduri, alte senzatii si alte idei. O sa scriu despre timp si despre felul in care se scurge el, mai repede peste unii si mai greu peste ceilalti. Un bilet m-a condus inapoi in timp, in vremea cand eram si eu, ca si ei, acum, rebela si nebuna. Am vazut in jur poate cei mai frumosi oameni, asta pentru ca gusturile nu se schimba niciodata. Am simtit ca pentru mine anii astia, care au trecut din liceu pana acum, mi-au pus pe umeri mult mai multe decat lor, cei din jurul meu, care nu-si tradeaza nici pentru o secunda varsta. Poate ca sunt mai trecuti prin viata decat mine, dar au ramas cumva ancorati acolo, in vremurile bune si lipsite de griji. Ma uit parca cu stupoare in jur, si nu-i mai inteleg. Afara sunt peste 35 de grade, si ei poarta bocanci si negru, atat de mult negru... Ma simt rupta din alt film, parca nu imi am locul aici, nu mai sunt de-a lor. Si imi amintesc doar vag cum am fost odata, cand bocancii faceau parte din uniforma, chiar si pe plaja. Si ma trezesc muncita de ganduri atat de stupide, incat imi vine sa plang, de superficialitatea mea si de imposibilitatea de a trai momentul. Viata e o eterna ocazie de a face alegeri. Pe unele le faci cu ochii inchisi, fara a reliza macar impactul lor asupra vietii. Am ales ce sunt acum, ma simt bine in pielea mea, chiar pot spune ca de multe ori sunt fericita (pentru ca superlativele nu sunt realiste). Si totusi, nu pot sa nu ma intreb daca nu cumva m-ar fi caracterizat mai mult uniforma de rocker rebel, decat tinuta office.

***

I had set out to write about the Judas Priest concert, with the grandeur and spectacle it brought, about hands in the air and rhythmically shaking hair, about decibels, light and colour. But other thoughts, other sensations and other ideas are swirling in my head. I will write about time and the way it flows, faster over some and harder over others. A note took me back in time, to the time when I was, like them, now, rebellious and crazy. I saw perhaps the most beautiful people around, that's because tastes never change. I felt that for me, these years that have passed from high school to now, have put so much more on my shoulders than theirs, those around me, who don't betray their age for a second. They may be further along in life than I am, but they're still somehow anchored there, in the good, carefree times. I look around in amazement, and I don't understand them anymore. It's over 35 degrees outside, and they're wearing boots and black, so much black... I feel like I'm out of another movie, like I don't belong here, I'm not one of them anymore. And I only vaguely remember how I once was, when boots were part of the uniform, even on the beach. And I wake up exhausted by thoughts so stupid, I feel like crying, my shallowness and my inability to live in the moment. Life is an eternal opportunity to make choices. Some you make blindfolded, without even rereading their impact on your life. I chose what I am now, I feel good about myself, I can even say that I'm often happy (because superlatives are not realistic). And yet, I can't help but wonder if my rebel rocker uniform might have characterized me more than my office attire.