Cer senin pana la destinatie / Clear sky till the end

Huruitul motoarelor ma tine jumatate treaza, jumatate aruncata intr-o mare de nelinisti si intrebari. Pe geam vad din cand in cand cate un norisor pe care incerc sa il ignor in impertinenta lui de a fi asa de usor si lipsit de griji.

Nu pot sa nu ma intreb daca vin sau daca plec, daca destinatia e mai departe sau mai aproape de... ce?

Sursa foto

Jocul de sah a inceput. Tineretea a avut un debut mai lent, adesea am crezut ca o sa piarda meciul,
miscarile ii erau haotice, lipsa ei de strategie ma facea sa imi pierd mintile. A inceput cu pionii, pe care i-a pierdut, pe rand, chiar daca, prizonieri asa cum erau, nu erau ridati si le-ai fi dat o alta varsta. Apoi, dupa primele acorduri, piesele de sah au capatat viata lor, tineretea statea deoparte si, ingamfata cum o stiam, privea spectacolul cu un ranjet pe figura. Sah!

Mi-am prins o agrafa in suflet, de culoare aprinsa, doar-doar va antrena in jocul ei si restul.  Neamaiavand oglinda, am sters masca si am defilat goala pe strazi, printre oameni. Am devenit parte din spectacol. Am uitat sa dorm si sa ma plang si mi-am reamintit sa traiesc, cu sufletul mare.

Si mi-a placut, mi-a placut la nebunie! Pentru ca unele lucruri trebuie facute la timpul lor, iar altele, trebuie facute pur si simplu!

***

The roar of the engines keeps me half awake, half immersed in a sea of anxieties and questions. Out of the window I occasionally see a little cloud that I try to ignore in its impertinence of being so easy and carefree.

I can't help wondering if I'm coming or going, if the destination is further or closer to... what?

The chess game has begun. Youth had a slower start, I often thought it was going to lose the game, its moves were chaotic, its lack of strategy made me lose my mind. It started with pawns, which it lost, one by one, even though, prisoners as they were, they weren't wrinkled and you would have given them a different age. Then, after the first chords, the chess pieces took on a life of their own, the youth stood aside and, naive as I knew it, watched the show with a frown on her face. Chess!

I caught a staple in my heart, brightly coloured, hoping maybe it will encourage the rest of us in the game.  Not having a mirror, I wiped off the mask and paraded naked through the streets, among the people. I became part of the show. I forgot to sleep and cry and reminded myself to live, with a big heart.

And I loved it, I loved it! Because some things have to be done in their own time, and some things just have to be done!

Citat / Quote

M-am apucat iar de citit, o pasiune mult neglijata, din cauze multiple, mai mult sau mai putin inventate. Si, cum sunt loiala, fidela si rutiniera, caracteristici care pana acum nu mi-au prins chiar bine, dar, asta e... am pus mana pe o carte de Pascal Bruckner, mi-a placut, si m-am decis instant sa ii citesc toata opera. Am cumparat 11 bucati carti scrise de susnumitul autor, deocamdata sunt in plina lectura al celui de-al patrulea exemplar, pana acum, nici urma de dezamagire.

Din cand in cand, in pauzele de citire, imi revine in minte cate un pasaj, metafora, poveste, fragment care ma marcheaza si ma urmareste. Ultimul paragraf de acest fel imi permit sa il citez mai jos. Citit ieri, in autobuz:

"Bantuit intotdeauna de dezintegrare, m-am nascut batran, secatuit de parca as apartine unei rase sfarsite. Am acum 38 de ani, insa par de 50. Adapostesc in mine un cadavru care ma roade si creste pe seama mea. Mi-ar fi placut, inca din adolescenta, sa cumpar de la vreun negustor transe de timp ca sa franez uzura. Cenusiul mi s-a asternut pe chip inca din leagan si nu m-a parasit de atunci". (Pascal Bruckner - "Hotii de frumusete", o carte recomandata chiar si pentru cei care nu apreciaza stilul aproape porno :) abordat de scriitorul francez).

***

I took up reading again, a long-neglected passion, for many reasons, more or less invented. And, as I am loyal, faithful and a routine lover, characteristics that so far haven't suited me very well, but, that's it... I got my hands on a book by Pascal Bruckner, liked it, and instantly decided to read his whole work. I bought 11 books written by the aforementioned author, so far I'm in the middle of reading the fourth copy, so far, no sign of disappointment.

From time to time, in the breaks of reading, a passage, a metaphor, a story, a fragment that marks me and follows me comes back in my mind. The last such paragraph I take the liberty of quoting below. Read yesterday, on the bus:

"Always haunted by disintegration, I was born old, drained as if I belonged to a finite race. I am now 38, but I look 50. I harbour within me a corpse that gnaws and grows at my expense. I would have liked, since I was a teenager, to buy from some merchant time tranches to brake the wear and tear. The ashes have been on my face since the cradle and have not left me since." (Pascal Bruckner - "The Thieves of Beauty", a book recommended even for those who do not appreciate the almost pornographic style :) approached by the French writer).

Aiurez... / Nonesense

Unde ne grabim asa, iubire? Nu vezi ca trece vremea peste noi, ca lasam in urma lucruri importante? Nu mai stim sa privim ploaia, nici curcubeul, iar de cei din jur parca nu ne mai pasa, preocupati sa tinem calea drepta.

Vreau sa cad putin aici, pe iarba rece, sa stau sa respire aerul diminetii si sa miros o floare. Ce daca ne astepata viata? Las-o sa astepte, mai avem timp. E timpul nostru. Stiu, il impartim, dar tot al nostru este.

Mi-e dor de un cer senin pe care sa-l simt cu tot sufletul, de privirea in gol si de fluturii din stomac. Mai stii fluturii din stomac? Unde s-au dus? De ce simt ca prin vene imi trece acum gheata, si nu sange? De ce ma simt mai mult moarta decat vie, si las valul sa ma poarte?

Taraste-ma pana la linia de finish, nu mai am putere, nu vreau sa ma mai grabesc. Si unde alearga toti asa? Ce e asa de minunat acolo, incat se duc toti peste noapte? De ce nu le mai place aici?

***

What's the hurry, love? Can't you see that time is passing us by, that we're leaving important things behind? We no longer know how to watch the rain, nor the rainbow, and we don't seem to care about those around us, preoccupied with keeping the path straight.

I want to fall here for a while, on the cool grass, to sit and breathe the morning air and smell a flower. What if life is waiting for us? Let it wait, we still have time. It's our time. I know, we share it, but it's still ours.

I miss a clear sky that I can feel with all my soul, the blank stare and the butterflies in my stomach. Remember the butterflies in your stomach? Where did they go? Why do my veins feel like ice now, instead of blood? Why do I feel more dead than alive, and let the wave carry me?

Vis / Dream

Lasa timpul sa mai stea in loc, asculta linistea, priveste-ma din umbra nepasarii si taci. Aduna saruturile inghetate pe buze si fa din ele nopti eterne de ganduri si vise. Asculta cum se strang firele de nisip in clepsidra, fiecare sapandu-si drumul pe fruntea mea. Si taci... Nu e nimic de spus, de amintit, de memorat. Se apropie timpul sa stam in loc cu totii, sa inghete vremea si sa umplem lumea de statui.

***

Let time stand still, listen to the stillness, watch me from the shadow of uncaring and be silent. Gather the frozen kisses on my lips and make them eternal nights of thoughts and dreams. Listen to the grains of sand squeeze into the hourglass, each one digging its way onto my forehead. And be silent... There's nothing to say, nothing to remember, nothing to memorize. The time is coming for us all to sit still, freeze the weather and fill the world with statues.

Din trecut / From yesterday

Trecutul m-a napadit ieri cu o violenta pe care nu o preconizasem. Si tot nu-mi vine sa cred ca sunt 14 ani care au ingropat atatea vise si oameni exceptionali, atatea locuri, intamplari si experiente. Mi-am uitat o mare parte din viata, si o sa continuu cel mai probabil sa uit si restul ei, pana o sa ramana o frantura de care nici nu merita sa-ti mai aduci aminte. M-am contopit cu un rol pe care il joc in fiecare zi, cu un zambet sec si cu o privire impaienjenita de prea multa concentrare. Nu-mi vine sa cred ca eram tot eu acum 14 ani, atat de diferita de acum. Ciudat este insa ca ma recunosc ceilalti...

***

The past overwhelmed me yesterday with a violence I had not expected. And I still can't believe that 14 years have buried so many dreams and exceptional people, so many places, events and experiences. I've forgotten most of my life, and I'll most likely continue to forget the rest of it, until it's left as a blur not even worth remembering. I've merged into a role I play every day, with a dry smile and an impatient look of too much concentration. I can't believe I was still me 14 years ago, so different from now. The funny thing is that others recognize me...