Dance me ... till the end of love

Sursa foto

Au dansat o viata intr-o noapte, cand muzica curgea pe fundal, fara sa-i pese cuiva cine o canta, cand lumea se invartea in jur buimaca, iar lor nu le pasa ce isi spuneau intre ei.

A fost vals, sau tango, sau vreun dans lent, cu miscari suave, in care simturile se combinau haotic pentru a crea magia? A fost vis, sau realitate, au fost ei, sau altii?

Suntem liberi sa ne imaginam orice, cu farama aia de amintire ascunsa undeva adanc, sa ne imaginam ca am fost noi sau altii, ca dansul a fost un inceput sau un sfarsit, ca intr-o alta lume povestea a continuat de-acolo si a ajuns departe, in pagini de roman celebru.

Dansez pe sfarsitul povestii, cu un ochi plans si unul ascuns, cu un obraz rece si unul fierbinte, cu gandul macinat de intrebari si cu o duzina de raspunsuri pe care le ignor rotindu-ma continuu pe muzica aia dementa, hipnotizanta, pe care nici macar nu mi-o mai amintesc. Ma mangai cu gandul ca ai uitat, sau ca nici macar nu (ma) stiai. Pana la urma, ce mai conteaza, un dans in plus, cand viata ne roteste mereu cum vrea ea?

Ritmul? Ni l-am impus! Pasii? I-am inventat! Muzica? Nici nu conta, am dansat nebuni si in pauze!

O viata intr-un dans, un singur dans intr-o viata.

***

They danced for a lifetime in one night, when the music flowed in the background, no one cared who was playing it, when people were milling around buoyantly, and they didn't care what they said to each other.

Was it a waltz, or a tango, or some slow, smoothly moving dance where the senses combined chaotically to create magic? Was it dream, or reality, was it them, or others?

We are free to imagine anything, with that shred of memory hidden somewhere deep, to imagine that it was us or others, that the dance was a beginning or an end, that in another world the story continued from there and went far away, into the pages of a famous novel.

I dance on the end of the story, with one eye watering and one hiding, one cheek cold and one hot, with my mind consumed with questions and a dozen answers that I ignore by spinning continuously to that insane, hypnotic music that I don't even remember. You tease me with the thought that you've forgotten, or that you didn't even (know) me. After all, what does it matter, one more dance, when life always spins us around as it wills?

The rhythm? We imposed it on ourselves! The steps? I invented them! The music? It didn't even matter, we danced madly in the breaks!

A lifetime in a dance, one dance in a lifetime.

Cer senin pana la destinatie / Clear sky till the end

Huruitul motoarelor ma tine jumatate treaza, jumatate aruncata intr-o mare de nelinisti si intrebari. Pe geam vad din cand in cand cate un norisor pe care incerc sa il ignor in impertinenta lui de a fi asa de usor si lipsit de griji.

Nu pot sa nu ma intreb daca vin sau daca plec, daca destinatia e mai departe sau mai aproape de... ce?

Sursa foto

Jocul de sah a inceput. Tineretea a avut un debut mai lent, adesea am crezut ca o sa piarda meciul,
miscarile ii erau haotice, lipsa ei de strategie ma facea sa imi pierd mintile. A inceput cu pionii, pe care i-a pierdut, pe rand, chiar daca, prizonieri asa cum erau, nu erau ridati si le-ai fi dat o alta varsta. Apoi, dupa primele acorduri, piesele de sah au capatat viata lor, tineretea statea deoparte si, ingamfata cum o stiam, privea spectacolul cu un ranjet pe figura. Sah!

Mi-am prins o agrafa in suflet, de culoare aprinsa, doar-doar va antrena in jocul ei si restul.  Neamaiavand oglinda, am sters masca si am defilat goala pe strazi, printre oameni. Am devenit parte din spectacol. Am uitat sa dorm si sa ma plang si mi-am reamintit sa traiesc, cu sufletul mare.

Si mi-a placut, mi-a placut la nebunie! Pentru ca unele lucruri trebuie facute la timpul lor, iar altele, trebuie facute pur si simplu!

***

The roar of the engines keeps me half awake, half immersed in a sea of anxieties and questions. Out of the window I occasionally see a little cloud that I try to ignore in its impertinence of being so easy and carefree.

I can't help wondering if I'm coming or going, if the destination is further or closer to... what?

The chess game has begun. Youth had a slower start, I often thought it was going to lose the game, its moves were chaotic, its lack of strategy made me lose my mind. It started with pawns, which it lost, one by one, even though, prisoners as they were, they weren't wrinkled and you would have given them a different age. Then, after the first chords, the chess pieces took on a life of their own, the youth stood aside and, naive as I knew it, watched the show with a frown on her face. Chess!

I caught a staple in my heart, brightly coloured, hoping maybe it will encourage the rest of us in the game.  Not having a mirror, I wiped off the mask and paraded naked through the streets, among the people. I became part of the show. I forgot to sleep and cry and reminded myself to live, with a big heart.

And I loved it, I loved it! Because some things have to be done in their own time, and some things just have to be done!

Un el si-o ea / A He and a She

Despre el si ea nu s-a scris niciodata nicio carte, niciun rand macar, nu s-a compus niciun cantec, nu s-a scrijelit niciun vers pe hartie, pentru ca el si ea nu au existat vreodata, iar povestea lor, nescrisa, necitita, nepovestita, nu a zguduit niciun suflet in pragul serii.

El si ea s-au cunoscut candva, dar nu s-au cunoscut niciodata, iar cand s-au intors cu spatele sa uite, refuzand sa scrie povestea, ecourile le-au rasunat un timp in suflet, le-au brazdat un rid pe frunte, apoi au trecut, pentru ca de fapt nu s-au auzit niciodata.

Sursa foto

El si ea s-au plimbat de mana pe malul marii in Vama, intr-o noapte cu o luna mai mare decat exista, dar nu au facut niciodata vreun pas impreuna, chiar daca din cand in cand isi mai simt picioarele pline de nisip si parul mirosind a mare. Pentru ca marea era prea tulbure si luna nu se oglindea perfect in ea.

Un el si-o ea, niste straini, atat de cunoscuti insa mie si tie, si-au spus totul fara sa rosteasca vreo vorba, s-au privit ore intregi, insa cu ochii inchisi. Si-au dat mana si au refuzat sa mearga mai departe si sa raspunda intrebarilor nerostite.

El si ea, ea si el, prea greu sa inteleaga ce nu era de inteles, prea bland sa nu raneasca, prea trecator sa nu dureze, prea inficosator sa nu fascineze, prea evident sa nu treaca neobservat.

***

No book was ever written about him and her, not a single line, no song was ever composed, no verse was ever written on paper, because he and she never existed, and their story, unwritten, unread, untold, never stirred a soul on the threshold of evening.

He and she once knew each other, but never met, and when they turned their backs to forget, refusing to write the story, the echoes sounded in their souls for a while, furrowed a wrinkle in their brow, then passed, because they never actually heard each other.

He and she strolled hand in hand along the seashore in Vama on a moonlit night, but they never took a step together, even though every now and then they could still feel their sandy feet and their hair smelling like the sea. Because the sea was too murky and the moon didn't reflect perfectly in it.

A he and a she, strangers, so familiar to me and to you, told each other everything without saying a word, looked at each other for hours, but with their eyes closed. They shook hands and refused to go on and answer unspoken questions.

He and she, she and he, too hard to understand what was not to be understood, too soft not to hurt, too fleeting not to last, too inficuous not to fascinate, too obvious not to go unnoticed

Loves me, loves me not

Sursa foto

Mi-am rupt petalele una cate una, incet, ritmic si am ramas acolo, in plansul gol, in fata multimii salbatice, cu genele in pumni si cu margaritare in par. Si pentru o secunda, doar pentru o frantura absurda de timp, rasul lor m-a asurzit, am simtit sangele inghetand undeva intre inima si creier, rozul a devenit negru, sec si crud, iar tu ai devenit strain.

M-am intrebat la rand, de zeci de ori, pana cand cuvintele, repetate la infinit, si-au pierdut sensul si au devenit absurde si fade: oare ce am invatat eu din asta? Si linistea de dupa m-a asurzit, mi-am piedut echilibrul si am inceput sa delirez impartind ganduri in stanga si-n dreapta, fara a cere permisiune sau a primi vreun raspuns de la vreunul dintre umerii pe care am plans.

Nu mai am incredere in oameni. Unii, mai desptepti, experimentati si mai optimisti, recunosc, decat mine, ii spun starii asteia "prudenta in business" si o catalogheaza ca pe un castig. E un fel de a colora golul ca in tablourile 3D, sa creeze iluzia inaltimii, sa ascunda uratul.

Ma rup de ce-a fost, chiar daca am transformat, cu buna stiinta, punctul in trei puncte, si atarn acum in suspensia lor.

Si daca te intrebi si tu ce-am invatat din asta, stai langa mine si asteapta sa imi creasca petalele la loc. Ceva imi spune ca vor fi si mai spectaculoase, colorate cu experiente, asteptari, regrete si bucurii. In linistea din miezul noptii sunt convinsa ca le-am auzit crescand din carne, sfasiind invelisul aspru.

Si daca vor fi  urate si batrane, coloreaza-le cu grija si drag, iubeste-ma si nu ma intreba niciodata ce am invatat din asta!

***

I tore my petals off one by one, slowly, rhythmically, and stood there, crying naked, in front of the wild crowd, eyelashes in my fists and daisies in my hair. And for a second, just for an absurd fraction of time, their laughter deafened me, I felt the blood freezing somewhere between heart and brain, the pink turned black, dry and raw, and you became a stranger.

I wondered in turn, dozens of times, until the words, repeated over and over, lost their meaning and became absurd and bland: what have I learned from this? And the silence afterwards deafened me, I lost my balance and began to deliriously share thoughts left and right, without asking permission or receiving any answer from any of the shoulders I had cried on.

I no longer trusted people. Some, more savvy, experienced and admittedly more optimistic than me, call this state "business caution" and label it a win. It's a way of colouring the void like in 3D paintings, to create the illusion of height, to hide the ugly.

I tear myself away from what was, even though I have knowingly turned the point into three points, and now hang in their suspense.

And if you're wondering what I've learned from this too, sit next to me and wait for my petals to grow back. Something tells me they will be even more spectacular, coloured with experiences, expectations, regrets and joys. In the midnight stillness I am sure I hear them growing from the flesh, tearing at the rough covering.

And if they will be ugly and old, color them with care and love, love me and never ask me what I have learned from this!

Exista posibilitati care se poate si posibilitati care nu se poate / There are possible possibilities and also impossible possibilities

O sa ma apuc de scris un roman prost, bazat pe viata pe care n-am trait-o, pe experientele pe care nu le-am avut, pe toate "what if-urile" din viata mea, poate, citindu-l ulterior, voi simti ca am trait mai intens. Cu putin noroc, va fi ecranizat de o echipa de actori cu viitor stralucit, intr-o limba de origine latina, iar casnicele vor potopi pamantul cu lacrimi uitandu-se in fiecare dupa-amiaza, cu o lingura de lemn in mana dreapta si stergandu-si secretiile nazale pe sortul de bucatarie. Si isi vor jura ca isi schimba viata, si vor uita pana la urmatoarea telenovela.

Sau, o sa incep, in sfarsit, sa fac bine in lume, sa imi aduc contributia, activa, la orice. Mi-am dorit mereu, insa mereu am avut cate o piedica, bine plasata, chiar de catre mine, in calea fericirii. Si astfel, voi deveni peste noapte salvatoarea planetei...

Sau, o sa ma imbrac chiar eu cu sortul de bucatarie, sa ma plasez strategic langa aragaz si sa incep sa invat ce n-am stiut niciodata: sa gatesc! Mirosul de ceapa calita imi va deveni cel mai bun prieten, va inlocui toate aromele din borcanelele multicolore pe care le tin aruncate prin toata casa. Si mama va fi mandra, ca ce gospodina este fie-sa!

Sau, o sa invat peste noapte tot ce e de stiut despre un blog, si intr-o luna o sa rup toate topurile, indrugand cretinatati pe o foaie de hartie virtuala. In zilele fara inspiratie, voi copia idei din versuri si voi cita din romanul inceput in primul paragraf.

Sau, sau, sau...

DAR!

***

I'm going to start writing a bad novel, based on the life I didn't live, the experiences I didn't have, all the what ifs in my life, maybe, reading it afterwards, I'll feel like I lived more intensely. With any luck, it will be screened by a team of actors with bright futures, in a language of Latin origin, and the housewives will be choking the earth with tears as they watch it every afternoon, with a wooden spoon in their right hand and wiping their nasal secretions on the kitchen apron. And they'll swear they're changing their lives, and they'll forget until the next soap opera.

Or, I'll finally start doing good in the world, making my contribution, actively, to everything. I've always wanted to, but I've always had a well-placed, self-placed obstacle to happiness. And so, overnight, I become the savior of the planet...

Or, I'll dress myself in the kitchen apron, place myself strategically by the stove and start learning what I never knew: how to cook! The smell of the onion will become my best friend, it will replace all the aromas in the multicolored jars I keep lying around the house. And my mother will be proud, what a housewife daughter she has!

Or, I'll learn everything there is to know about blogging overnight, and in a month I'll be tearing up all the charts, writing nonsense on a virtual sheet of paper. On uninspired days, I'll copy ideas from the lyrics and quote from the novel I started in the first paragraph.

Or, or, or, or...

BUT!

Erase and rewind

De-ar fi asa de simplu... Punct, si de la capat, cu forte noi, cu credinta ca totul va fi bine si frumos, cu increderea nestirbita in propria persoana si in cei din jur. De-ar fi asa de simplu, probabil ca am trai o mie de ani fericiti si nestingheriti, nu am mai albi nicioadata si nu ne-am lupta cu ridurile din jurul ochilor. De-ar fi asa de usor, ne-am ierta erorile si pripirile de moment, convinsi fiind ca totul o sa fie bine, intr-un final, mai devreme sau mai tarziu. Dar viata nu e asa de simpla, invatam asta an de an, cu fiecare esec, pierdere sau dezamagire pe care le incasam fara drept de replica.

Din fiecare experienta traita ar trebui sa invatam cate ceva, din greselile noastre sau din greselile altora. As vrea sa-mi dau seama si de data asta care e lectia, ce trebuia facut altfel, cum am fi putut opri drobul de sare sa se pravaleasca la vale. Poate e nevoie de ceva mai multa vreme, sa acopere totul cu putina uitare si cu transparenta, ca sa putem deschide ochii mai luminati. Deocamdata totul e incetosat si fara noima. Incerc sa ma bucur ca uite, si de data asta, am picat in picioare, insa nimic nu mai e la fel.

La fiecare sfarsit de an ne dorim "un an nou mai bun", ducandu-ne singuri cu vorba ca o sa fie bine, sau, in mod ideal, "mai bine". Pentru ca tocmai am pus capat unui capitol important, in care am investit poate mai mult decat eram in stare sa o fac, de aici si dezamagirea enorma, imi doresc ca noul an sa-mi aduca energia unui nou inceput si puterea de-a uita ce-a fost, de-a intelege ce se intampla in jur si ambitia de a demonstra, a cata oara, ca pot. Si, Doamne, daca nu e prea mult, fara dezamagiri anul asta...

Punct. Si de la capat, in 2010.

La multi ani!

***

If only it were that simple... Period, and from the beginning, with new strengths, with the belief that everything will be fine and beautiful, with unwavering trust in yourself and in those around you. If only it were that simple, we'd probably live a thousand years happily ever after, we'd never go white again and we wouldn't struggle with wrinkles around our eyes. If only it were that easy, we'd forgive ourselves our mistakes and momentary hastiness, convinced that everything will be all right, eventually, sooner or later. But life isn't that simple, we learn that year after year, with every failure, loss or disappointment we take without right of reply.

We should learn something from every experience, from our mistakes or from the mistakes of others. I would like to figure out this time what the lesson is, what should have been done differently, how we could have stopped the salt drip from going downhill. Maybe it needs a little more time, to cover it all with a little forgetfulness and transparency, so that we can open our eyes a little brighter. For now everything is still and meaningless. I'm trying to be glad that look, and this time, I've fallen on my feet, but nothing is the same.

At the end of every year we wish for "a better new year", taking it upon ourselves to say it will be good, or ideally "better". Because I have just ended an important chapter, in which I have invested perhaps more than I was able to, hence the enormous disappointment, I wish that the new year will bring me the energy of a new beginning and the strength to forget what has been, to understand what is going on around me and the ambition to prove, for the umpteenth time, that I can. And, God, if it's not too much, no disappointments this year....

Period. And from the top, in 2010.

Happy New Year!

PS. I love you

Cateodata nu e nevoie decat de o dupa-amiaza linistita, de un film bun, un halat de baie moale si parfumat si de o cutie plina cu servetele ca sa-ti dai seama de o multime de lucruri absolut evidente pe care nepasator le treci cu vederea zi de zi. Am plans 2 ore in continuu, si la final m-am straduit sa dau voie unui zambet tamp sa mi se astearna pe figura umflata de-acum de lacrimi, si de ciuda, ca suntem asa de ... tuti cateodata incat ne trezeste un film si ne da cate 2 palme peste ceafa.

Nu e romantism, nu e dulcegarie, e viata pe paine, intinsa bine si uniform, astfel incat sa poata fi digerata de orice stomac, oricat de sensibil ar fi el, chiar daca iti dai seama de la prima scena ca filmul asta nu o sa-ti cada bine.

Da, iar am un moment din acela crucial si memorabil, in care ma jur pe rosu ca "de maine ma apuc de invatat", traiesc clipa, iubesc momentul, scot ce-i mai bun din viata. Oare cat o sa ma tina, de data asta? Pana la viitoarea disputa intelectuala legata de vasele din chiuveta sau de rufele de pe balcon? Nicio problema, pastraz filmul pe hard, cate o palma de incurajare nu strica niciodata.

***

Sometimes all it takes is a quiet afternoon, a good movie, a soft, scented bathrobe and a box full of tissues to realize a lot of the absolutely obvious things you casually overlook day after day. I cried for 2 hours straight, and at the end I struggled to allow a tamed smile to hang on my now tear-swollen face, and the spite that we're so ... you know sometimes that we wake up to a movie and slap the back of our heads twice.

It's not romance, it's not sweetness, it's life on a slice of bread, stretched out nice and even so that it can be digested by any stomach, no matter how sensitive it may be, even if you realize from the first scene that this movie won't sit well with you.

Yes, I'm having one of those crucial and memorable moments again, where I swear to myself that "I'll start learning tomorrow", live in the moment, love the moment, make the best of life. I wonder how long it will last this time? Until the next intellectual dispute over the dishes in the sink or the laundry on the balcony? No problem, keep the film on the hard drive, a little slap of encouragement never hurt.

A mai trecut un an / Another year has gone

Stimata audienta, Sunt obosita, groaznic de obosita. De munca, de viata, de trebi... Azi a trecut un an de cand am schimbat ceva, in bine, sau in rau, depinde de ziua in care lansez afirmatia, de starea de spirit si de cantitatea de neuroni cazuti la datorie in perioada cu pricina. A fost un an bun, in care am contribuit sarguincios la consolidarea carierei mele de profesionist in "tainele comunicarii", dar si un an care mi-a brazdat cateva riduri adevarate pe frunte. Firul de par alb de care ma plangeam cu alte ocazii a cazut si el prada oboselii si asediului indarjit al periei, deci am scapat macar de stresul unei ierni timpurii in plete... Sa-mi fie de bine, sa am un an de doua ori mai bun, daca se poate :), si poate reusesc sa ma odihnesc in timp ce lucrez, daca nu cumva cer prea mult...

***

Dear audience, I'm tired, terribly tired. Of work, of life, of stuff... Today it's been a year since I changed something, for the better, or for the worse, depending on the day I launch the statement, the mood and the amount of neurons fallen to duty in that period. It has been a good year, in which I have contributed diligently to the consolidation of my career as a professional in the "mysteries of communication", but also a year that has furrowed some real wrinkles on my forehead. The white hair I used to complain about on other occasions also fell prey to fatigue and the relentless siege of the brush, so I at least escaped the stress of an early winter in my hair... May I have a year twice as good, if possible :), and may I manage to rest while I work, unless I ask for too much...

Chestie de comunicare interna / Internal communication matter

Imi place la nebunie atmosfera de la munca! Poate asta e unul dintre cele mai importante motive care ma tin in loc cand ma apuca dorul de duca si pofta de schimbare, sau cand urla revolta in mine din cauza divesilor factori stresanti din viata oricarui angajat constiincios si dornic de afirmare. Au trecut 6 luni de cand eram pusa in fata unei adevarate "mission impossible" inca din prima zi de lucru. Cuvintele alea m-au urmarit vreme buna, si cu siguranta vor ramane intiparite in memoria mea mult timp: "Ai trei luni la dispozitie sa arati ce poti face pentru noi. Vreau sa vad oamenii zambind pe holuri". Si uite, dupa 3 luni lumea zambea, dupa o jumatate de an deja rade, glumeste, canta, leaga prietenii :). Greu de demonstrat, dar e si meritul meu. O stiu eu, o stiu ei, o stie si cel care mi-a predat sarcina imposibila. Am noroc deci ca nu trebuie sa demonstrez. M-a costat multa munca, mult timp, o gramada de lecturi suplimentare, o tona de creativitate, si, cel mai dureros, un fir de par alb, rasarit exact in crestetul capului. Pretul e mare, dar merita: dai un ban, dar stai in fata! Pot sta in fata si pot arata rezultatele, cu fruntea sus. Dar lupta e abia la inceput. Am demonstrat ca oamenii comunica, daca le pui la dispozitie instrumentele necesare, ii inveti cum sa comunica si le arati ca nimic rau nu se poate intampla din asta. Am cladit ceva, si nu a fost asa de greu cum imi imaginam. Acum incepe munca de consolidare, de intretinere, de grija ca totul sa nu se naruie dintr-o greseala stupida. Important e ca-mi place, ca am sprijin si ca inca ma mai tin puterile sa ma lupt cu toti si cu toate, pentru a ajunge acolo unde-mi doresc.

***

I love the atmosphere at work! Maybe that's one of the most important reasons that hold me back when I get homesick and hungry for change, or when rebellion is screaming inside of me due to the various stressors in the life of any conscientious and assertive employee. It's been 6 months since I was faced with a real "mission impossible" from the first day of work. Those words have been with me for a long time, and will surely stay with me for a long time: "You have three months to show what you can do for us. I want to see people smiling in the corridors". And look, after 3 months people were smiling, after half a year they are already laughing, joking, singing, making friends :). Hard to prove, but it's also my merit. I know it, they know it, the person who gave me the impossible task knows it. So I'm lucky I don't have to prove it. It cost me a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of extra reading, a ton of creativity, and, most painfully, a white hair, sprouting right at the top of my head. The price is high, but it's worth it: you give a penny, but you stay ahead! I can sit up front and show the results, with my head held high. But the fight is just beginning. We have proven that people communicate, if you give them the tools, teach them how to communicate and show them that nothing bad can come of it. We built something, and it wasn't as hard as I imagined. Now begins the work of consolidation, of maintenance, of making sure everything doesn't get damaged by a stupid mistake. The important thing is that I like it, that I have support and that I still have the strength to fight with everyone and everything to get where I want to be.