When September ends

Ultimul septembrie pe care mi-l amintesc a durat vreo 9 luni.

Sursa foto

Totul a mers "ca la carte": mai intai a picat o frunza galbena, asa, din senin, ca in cantecul ala, m-a izbit in viata mea roz, a tulburat putin oglinda apei.
Apoi au aparut si alte frunze, din ce in ce mai multe, mai galbene, mai uscate, care ma napadeau din toate partile, imi intrau in suflet, in ochi, in viata. Dar mergeam tantosa, cu capul sus, ignorandu-le.
Apoi am inceput o lupta nebuna cu ele, dadeam din maini, picioare, urlam, sa le fac sa dispara. Dar ele se tot strangeau, sufocandu-ma.
Intr-o zi m-au ingropat... Afara era un soare cald, de septembrie, insa eu il vedeam sangeriu. Ganduri dintre cele mai stranii imi inundau mintea. Citeam carti pe care nu mi le mai amintesc, urmaream seriale ore intregi, ma plimbam prin parc si ma surprindeam stergandu-mi lacrimi de pe obraz, cu toate ca nu ma gandeam la nimic. Si ma cufundam in depresie in fiecare zi mai mult, mai greu, mai periculos.
Apoi, am inceput sa accept treptat ca voi purta mereu in suflet o urma de septembrie, ca galbenul, ca ma prinde sau nu, va deveni o culoare obligatorie a garderobei sufletului meu, ca unele lucruri sunt facute sa nu se intample, ca...

Dupa 9 luni am invatat subit sensul expresiei "cui pe cui se scoate". Fara prea multa pasiune pentru ironie, a trebuit sa o accept, sa o imbratisez, sa o iubesc, sa o povestesc. Alte 9 luni dupa asta mi-am rontait temerile, strofocandu-ma continuu sa nu le las pe ele sa ma rontaie pe mine. M-am transformat, reinventat, m-am pregatit pentru "ce-o fi, o fi", pentru mine, cea de acum, si pentru el.

Nu numai in septembrie imi amintesc de acel septembrie. Septembrie merge cu mine pretutindeni, e parte din cine sunt, il regasesc in oglinda, in scrierile mele, in felul in care relationez cu oamenii, in ochii lui, cei fara griji si plini de inocenta.

Hai, frunza galbena...

***

The last September I remember lasted about 9 months.

Everything went "by the book": first a yellow leaf fell, just like that, out of the blue, like in that song, it hit me in my pink life, it disturbed the water mirror a bit.

Then other leaves appeared, more and more, yellower and yellower, drier and drier, and they covered me from all sides, they entered my soul, my eyes, my life. But I walked around, head held high, ignoring them.

Then I started a mad fight with them, waving my hands, kicking, screaming, to make them disappear. But they kept squeezing, choking me.

One day they buried me... Outside it was a warm September sun, but I could see it was bleeding. The strangest thoughts flooded my mind. I was reading books I can't remember, watching TV series for hours, walking in the park and catching myself wiping tears from my cheeks, even though I wasn't thinking about anything. And I was sinking deeper, harder, more dangerously into depression every day.

Then I gradually began to accept that I will always carry a trace of September in my soul, that yellow, whether it catches me or not, will become a mandatory color of my soul's wardrobe, that some things are made not to happen, that...

After 9 months I suddenly learned the meaning of the phrase "nail on the head". Without much passion for irony, I had to accept it, embrace it, love it, tell it. Another 9 months after that I nagged my fears, continually stroking myself not to let them nag me. I transformed myself, reinvented myself, prepared myself for "what will be, will be", for me, the now, and for him.

It's not just September I remember that September. September goes with me everywhere, it's part of who I am, I find it in the mirror, in my writing, in the way I relate to people, in its eyes, the carefree and innocent ones.

Come on, yellow leaf...

Erase and rewind

De-ar fi asa de simplu... Punct, si de la capat, cu forte noi, cu credinta ca totul va fi bine si frumos, cu increderea nestirbita in propria persoana si in cei din jur. De-ar fi asa de simplu, probabil ca am trai o mie de ani fericiti si nestingheriti, nu am mai albi nicioadata si nu ne-am lupta cu ridurile din jurul ochilor. De-ar fi asa de usor, ne-am ierta erorile si pripirile de moment, convinsi fiind ca totul o sa fie bine, intr-un final, mai devreme sau mai tarziu. Dar viata nu e asa de simpla, invatam asta an de an, cu fiecare esec, pierdere sau dezamagire pe care le incasam fara drept de replica.

Din fiecare experienta traita ar trebui sa invatam cate ceva, din greselile noastre sau din greselile altora. As vrea sa-mi dau seama si de data asta care e lectia, ce trebuia facut altfel, cum am fi putut opri drobul de sare sa se pravaleasca la vale. Poate e nevoie de ceva mai multa vreme, sa acopere totul cu putina uitare si cu transparenta, ca sa putem deschide ochii mai luminati. Deocamdata totul e incetosat si fara noima. Incerc sa ma bucur ca uite, si de data asta, am picat in picioare, insa nimic nu mai e la fel.

La fiecare sfarsit de an ne dorim "un an nou mai bun", ducandu-ne singuri cu vorba ca o sa fie bine, sau, in mod ideal, "mai bine". Pentru ca tocmai am pus capat unui capitol important, in care am investit poate mai mult decat eram in stare sa o fac, de aici si dezamagirea enorma, imi doresc ca noul an sa-mi aduca energia unui nou inceput si puterea de-a uita ce-a fost, de-a intelege ce se intampla in jur si ambitia de a demonstra, a cata oara, ca pot. Si, Doamne, daca nu e prea mult, fara dezamagiri anul asta...

Punct. Si de la capat, in 2010.

La multi ani!

***

If only it were that simple... Period, and from the beginning, with new strengths, with the belief that everything will be fine and beautiful, with unwavering trust in yourself and in those around you. If only it were that simple, we'd probably live a thousand years happily ever after, we'd never go white again and we wouldn't struggle with wrinkles around our eyes. If only it were that easy, we'd forgive ourselves our mistakes and momentary hastiness, convinced that everything will be all right, eventually, sooner or later. But life isn't that simple, we learn that year after year, with every failure, loss or disappointment we take without right of reply.

We should learn something from every experience, from our mistakes or from the mistakes of others. I would like to figure out this time what the lesson is, what should have been done differently, how we could have stopped the salt drip from going downhill. Maybe it needs a little more time, to cover it all with a little forgetfulness and transparency, so that we can open our eyes a little brighter. For now everything is still and meaningless. I'm trying to be glad that look, and this time, I've fallen on my feet, but nothing is the same.

At the end of every year we wish for "a better new year", taking it upon ourselves to say it will be good, or ideally "better". Because I have just ended an important chapter, in which I have invested perhaps more than I was able to, hence the enormous disappointment, I wish that the new year will bring me the energy of a new beginning and the strength to forget what has been, to understand what is going on around me and the ambition to prove, for the umpteenth time, that I can. And, God, if it's not too much, no disappointments this year....

Period. And from the top, in 2010.

Happy New Year!