Unlovable

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Love me when I feel there is nothing to be loved in me, when my face is ugly, body deformed, voice uncomprehensible and behaviour rude. 

Love me when I feel nobody else does it, when all the dark clouds crowd above my head and follow me everywhere, when even hope is black and far away.

Love me when I am unfriendly and sarcastic, when I try to spread pain around me so I am no longer different from the rest of them. 

Love me when I send you away, when my eyes tell you to go, even if my voice could never say it, when I lock myself deep and desperately need you to have a peak inside and save me, but I'm not saying it.

Love me when I trust you least and I pretend I could make it without you, when I use you as my punching bag just because you are the closest.

Love me when I feel I am slipping into the abyss but refuse to reach for your hand. Bombard me with love when I am wearing my armour and act defensively expecting ignorance.

Love me when I am unsure and aggressive for no reason, when I talk nonsense, make accusations and suppositions with no ground at all, when my logics seems berried in the ground with little chances of ever coming back.

Love me when I write and love me when I don't. Love me when I'm immature and irrational.

Love me when I desperately need a hug but I refuse to ask for it. And love me when I steal that hug without considering the consequences.

Love me when I am unlovable, and if I get no better, say it and show it. Because if you love me then, when I need it the most, I will eventually learn that I deserve it and little by little I will stop being unlovable ever again.

Alta / Another one

Intr-o alta viata as urca cate un munte in fiecare zi, echipata cu un rucsac care sa imi care toata bogatia si toate grijile, as cutreiera lumea cu sau fara tine, purtandu-te mereu in gand si avand grija ca toata lumea sa stie asta.

Intr-o alta viata as trai de zece ori mai mult in fiecare secunda, suprimandu-mi lacrimile in spatele unui zambet urias care sa ma cucereasca chiar si pe mine.

Sursa foto

Intr-o alta viata te-as iubi patimas, fara rusine, fara regrete, fara limite, fara grija de gura lumii, de reguli si de obstacole. Si m-ai iubi si tu, pentru ca intr-o alta viata as fi altfel, imposibil de neiubit, as fi tot ce nu sunt acum, fara tot ce ma face sa plang si sa bantui ca o stafie trista prin viata asta. Si nu ai inceta sa ma iubesti, pentru ca ar fi viata mea perfecta, diferita de asta, intr-o lume utopic de buna.

O alta viata nu m-ar darama, ci m-ar face mai puternica. As face totul altfel, sau la fel, dar mai bine. As transforma regretele in oportunitati, as rasturna lumi, as crea altele. Si as scrie carti, pentru a potoli vocile neobosite care ma bantuie zile si nopti, cu fraze pline de inteleseri clare numai mie, cu metafore amare, cu simboluri opace.

Ne vedem acolo.

***

In another life I would climb a mountain every day, equipped with a backpack to carry all my wealth and all my worries, I would travel the world with or without you, always carrying you in my mind and making sure everyone knew it.

In another life I would live ten times longer every second, suppressing my tears behind a huge smile that would conquer even myself.

In another life I would love you passionately, without shame, without regrets, without limits, without caring about the world's mouth, rules and obstacles. And you would love me too, because in another life I would be different, impossible to unlove, I would be everything I am not now, without everything that makes me cry and stalk like a sad ghost through this life. And you wouldn't stop loving me, because that would be my perfect life, different from this one, in a utopian good world.

A different life wouldn't make me weak, it would make me stronger. I'd do everything differently, or the same, but better. I would turn regrets into opportunities, I would turn worlds upside down, I would create new ones. And I would write books, to quiet the relentless voices that haunt me day and night, with phrases full of meanings clear only to me, with bitter metaphors, with opaque symbols.

See you there.