Te iubesc, nu-ntelegi? / I love you, don't you understand?

"Eu te iubesc, nu-ntelegi?" i-a spus ea, cu vocea tremurand, sugrumandu-si suspinul iminent. Nu m-am intors sa-i vad fata, a ramas o voce care mi-a miscat, in seara aia de mai, universul, care m-a facut sa filosofez tacuta pentru cateva momente, cu gandul aiurea, si cu vocea ei rasunandu-mi in minte. Cine era, nu conteaza, si nici povestea din spatele declaratiei disperate.

Oare de cate ori in viata ne e dat sa realizam cat de usor e sa iubesti, si totusi cat de greu este sa gasesti iubirea? E uman sa ne permitem sa nu intelegem iubirea cuiva, sau, mai rau, sa o tratam cu indiferenta? Daca nu s-ar fi inventat banii, iubirea ar fi jucat probabil cu succes rolul de moneda de schimb.

I-am strans mana, s-a intors usor si i-am zambit. Habar n-avea ce-mi trece mie prin minte...

***

"I love you, don't you understand?" she told him, her voice trembling, stifling her impending sigh. I didn't turn to see her face, there remained a voice that moved, that May evening, my universe, that made me philosophize quietly for a few moments, my mind wandering, her voice ringing in my head. Who she was doesn't matter, nor does the story behind the desperate declaration.

How many times in life do we get to realize how easy it is to love, yet how hard it is to find love? Is it human to allow ourselves not to understand someone's love, or worse, to treat it with indifference? If money had not been invented, love would probably have successfully played the role of currency.

I squeezed his hand, he turned slightly and I smiled. He had no idea what was going through my mind...

Bomba fara ceas / Bomb with no timer

Le strang treptat in mine, motiv dupa motiv, frustrare dupa frustrare, nerv dupa nerv, devin treptat o bomba ambulanta. Nu mai pot sa injur, nici macar la volan, nu mai pot sa plang, asa cum faceam odata, nu mai pot sa rad prosteste, pentru a varsa cumva tensiunea. In schimb, privirea mi-a devenit pe alocuri taioasa, deciziile imi vin rapid si dureros, chiar daca ma afecteaza si pe mine, si pe cei din jur.

Unii zic ca e de bine, altii zic ca e de rau, practic toata lumea din jurul meu are cate o pozitie referitor la schimbarea asta. Numai eu am ezitari.

Si ma schimb, si nu-mi dau seama, si ma inraiesc pe zi ce trece, ma maturizez, cica… Adica incep sa invat sa infig cutitul fara remuscari, sa il sterg frumos de sangele vinovatului, si apoi sa il pregatesc pentru urmatoarea lovitura.

Dumnezeule, ce mi-ati facut?

***

I am gradually gathering them into myself, reason after reason, frustration after frustration, nerve after nerve, gradually becoming a walking bomb. I can't swear anymore, not even while driving, I can't cry, as I used to, I can't laugh stupidly, to somehow release the tension. Instead, my eyes have become sometimes sharp, my decisions come quickly and painfully, even if they affect me and those around me.

Some say it's good, others say it's bad, practically everyone around me has a position on the change. Only I have hesitations.

And I'm changing, and I don't realize it, and I'm getting worse every day, I'm growing up, I guess... I mean I'm starting to learn to stick the knife in without remorse, to wipe it clean of the culprit's blood, and then to prepare it for the next blow.

My God, what have you all done to me?

Criza...de nervi! / Nervous breakdown

Am luat-o cu totii razna cu criza asta! 

Sunt 5 luni de cand aud acelasi refren: criza, criza, criza... Criza in presa, criza in companii, criza de inspiratie, criza de subiecte, criza de oameni, sau nu, ca aici e subiect discutabil, s-ar putea sa fie prea multi, asa se dau mari companiile care fac disponibilizari, de "crizati" ce sunt.

Nu stiu altii cum sunt, dar mie mi s-a luat definitiv de criza asta. Mi-e dor de vremile de alta data, cand interviurile in presa nu contineau invariabil raspunsuri la intrebarile "Veti face disponibilizari?" sau "Ati modificat estimarile privind evolutia companiei, in contextul crizei?".

Un subiect de presa are de regula o durata de viata limitata, insa de criza asta nu s-a mai saturat nimeni? Chiar si o veste buna e imbracata in haine de doliu, ca sa fie in trend...

Suntem pe marginea unei crize de nervi, oameni buni. O luam cu capul, unul cate unul. Incepem sa ne pierdem mintile, si pentru noi, astia care am apucat sa ne dam cu capul de criza asta, sau de hiperbolizarea ei, cuvantul CRIZA nu va mai fi niciodata la fel. 

N-ati vrea sa fim ai optimisti, sa ne axam putin pe ce merge bine, in ciuda crizei, babaul mare si urat care ne-a zapacit pe toti? 

Asta-s eu, mai optimista si mai increzatoare de fel. Poate se ia si la altii...

***

We've all gone crazy with this crisis! 

I've been hearing the same refrain for 5 months: crisis, crisis, crisis... Crisis in the press, crisis in companies, crisis of inspiration, crisis of subjects, crisis of people, or not, as this is a debatable subject, there may be too many, so companies are showing off by making redundancies, becausenwe are all in "crisis".

I don't know about others, but I am definitely fed up with this crisis. I miss the old days, when interviews in the press invariably didn't contain answers to the question "Will you be making redundancies?" or "Have you changed your estimates of the company's performance in the context of the crisis?".

A press story usually has a limited shelf life, but hasn't anyone had enough of the crisis? Even good news is dressed in mourning clothes, to keep it on trend...

We're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, people. We're taking it one head at a time. We're starting to lose our minds, and for those of us who've got our heads around this crisis, or the hyperbolization of it, the word CRISIS will never be the same. 

Wouldn't you like us to be the optimists, to focus a little on what's going well, despite the crisis, the big ugly bugger that has zapped us all? 

That's me, more optimistic and hopeful that way. Maybe it'll rub off on others...

De primavara / Spring

M-am reintors sa sterg panzele de paianjen asternute peste gandurile mele, atunci cand ele zburdau vesele intr-o parte si-n alta. 

M-am reintors sa scriu, doar pentru ca dimineata, prin nebunia orasului, cu claxoane, macarale, strigate, nebunii, am auzit, energica intr-un copac, o ciocanitoare... Si m-am trezit brusc in realitatea primaverii care ne inconjoara, si care a venit peste noi, chiar daca noi nu mai avem timp sau energie sa remarcam lucrul asta.

Si era asa de frumos altadata... Veneam fericita acasa cu ghiozdanul plin de martisoare de la scoala, si asteptam cu inflacarare sfarsitul saptamanii, sa merg cu tata sa culegem toporasi, si viorele, si lalele salbatice....de fapt nu, lalele salbatice nu mai culegeam, de cand vazusem posterul ala pe un copac in Crang, care spunea ca sunt protejate de lege...

Avem un loc unde mergeam in fiecare an, la capatul orasului, care imi parea asa departe atunci. Era liniste si pustiu, se mai auzeau in departare cateva masini trecand pe strada...

Trec des pe-acolo, si de fiecare data ma loveste in suflet sentimentul asta de fatalism si necazul ca n-o sa se mai intample niciodata. Am incercat sa vanez un alt colt de oras, al noului oras care ma gazduieste, dar nimic nu mai e la fel. E urat, trist si rece, si atat de putin ospitalier... 

A venit primavara, o alta primavara, niciodata aceeasi...

***

I returned to wipe away the spidery feathers that lay over my thoughts as they fluttered merrily to and fro. 

I came back to write, only because in the morning, through the madness of the city, with its horns, cranes, shouts, madness, I heard, energetically in a tree, a woodpacker... And I was suddenly awakened to the reality of the spring that surrounds us, and that has come upon us, even if we no longer have the time or energy to notice it.

And it was so beautiful once... I was happily coming home with my backpack full of martisoare from school, and I was looking forward to the end of the week, to go with my father to pick up some wild violets and wild tulips... Actually no, I wasn't picking wild tulips anymore, since I had seen that poster on a tree in thenparc, saying that they were protected by law...

We have a place where we used to go every year, at the margin of town, which seemed so far away to me then. It was quiet and deserted, you could still hear a few cars passing in the distance...

I pass by there often, and every time I get this feeling of fatalism and the grief that it will never happen again. I've tried to hunt for another corner of the city, the new city that hosts me, but nothing is the same. It's ugly, sad and cold, and so unwelcoming... 

Spring has come, another spring, never the same...

Vis / Dream

Lasa timpul sa mai stea in loc, asculta linistea, priveste-ma din umbra nepasarii si taci. Aduna saruturile inghetate pe buze si fa din ele nopti eterne de ganduri si vise. Asculta cum se strang firele de nisip in clepsidra, fiecare sapandu-si drumul pe fruntea mea. Si taci... Nu e nimic de spus, de amintit, de memorat. Se apropie timpul sa stam in loc cu totii, sa inghete vremea si sa umplem lumea de statui.

***

Let time stand still, listen to the stillness, watch me from the shadow of uncaring and be silent. Gather the frozen kisses on my lips and make them eternal nights of thoughts and dreams. Listen to the grains of sand squeeze into the hourglass, each one digging its way onto my forehead. And be silent... There's nothing to say, nothing to remember, nothing to memorize. The time is coming for us all to sit still, freeze the weather and fill the world with statues.

Din trecut / From yesterday

Trecutul m-a napadit ieri cu o violenta pe care nu o preconizasem. Si tot nu-mi vine sa cred ca sunt 14 ani care au ingropat atatea vise si oameni exceptionali, atatea locuri, intamplari si experiente. Mi-am uitat o mare parte din viata, si o sa continuu cel mai probabil sa uit si restul ei, pana o sa ramana o frantura de care nici nu merita sa-ti mai aduci aminte. M-am contopit cu un rol pe care il joc in fiecare zi, cu un zambet sec si cu o privire impaienjenita de prea multa concentrare. Nu-mi vine sa cred ca eram tot eu acum 14 ani, atat de diferita de acum. Ciudat este insa ca ma recunosc ceilalti...

***

The past overwhelmed me yesterday with a violence I had not expected. And I still can't believe that 14 years have buried so many dreams and exceptional people, so many places, events and experiences. I've forgotten most of my life, and I'll most likely continue to forget the rest of it, until it's left as a blur not even worth remembering. I've merged into a role I play every day, with a dry smile and an impatient look of too much concentration. I can't believe I was still me 14 years ago, so different from now. The funny thing is that others recognize me...

A mai trecut un an / Another year has gone

Stimata audienta, Sunt obosita, groaznic de obosita. De munca, de viata, de trebi... Azi a trecut un an de cand am schimbat ceva, in bine, sau in rau, depinde de ziua in care lansez afirmatia, de starea de spirit si de cantitatea de neuroni cazuti la datorie in perioada cu pricina. A fost un an bun, in care am contribuit sarguincios la consolidarea carierei mele de profesionist in "tainele comunicarii", dar si un an care mi-a brazdat cateva riduri adevarate pe frunte. Firul de par alb de care ma plangeam cu alte ocazii a cazut si el prada oboselii si asediului indarjit al periei, deci am scapat macar de stresul unei ierni timpurii in plete... Sa-mi fie de bine, sa am un an de doua ori mai bun, daca se poate :), si poate reusesc sa ma odihnesc in timp ce lucrez, daca nu cumva cer prea mult...

***

Dear audience, I'm tired, terribly tired. Of work, of life, of stuff... Today it's been a year since I changed something, for the better, or for the worse, depending on the day I launch the statement, the mood and the amount of neurons fallen to duty in that period. It has been a good year, in which I have contributed diligently to the consolidation of my career as a professional in the "mysteries of communication", but also a year that has furrowed some real wrinkles on my forehead. The white hair I used to complain about on other occasions also fell prey to fatigue and the relentless siege of the brush, so I at least escaped the stress of an early winter in my hair... May I have a year twice as good, if possible :), and may I manage to rest while I work, unless I ask for too much...