Prapastia / The abyss

Prapastia din vis se adancea nebuna in fata privirilor mele demente si ma atragea cu o forta pe care nu mi-o explicam, pentru ca stiam amandoi ca nu vreau sa o inteleg. Si ma apropiam de marginea ei, cu pasi marunti, dar siguri, manata de curiozitate si de dorinte autodestructive, priveam spre abis cu pupilele dilatate.

Sursa foto

In prapastie vedeam zambetul tau, unic, fermecat, si lacrimile mi se opreau in suflet si inghetau acolo, sangele clocotea si o lua la fuga spre inima, si o dorinta nebuna ma indema sa invat sa zbor. Imi spuneam ca nu trebuie sa ai aripi ca sa zbori, atata timp cat zborul e descendent. Numai sa ajung la tine, sa-si sterg lacrima pe care o simteam pe obrazul tau.

Simteam perechi de maini mute cum ma opresc, ma apuca cu disperare de brate, de par, de picioare, dar calcam inainte, cu pas rar si decis, cu privirea din ce in ce mai salbatice. Pamantul sub picioare devea din ce in ce mai aspru, il simteam cum aluneca sub talpa mea, si in loc sa ma tem, ma umpleam de o bucurie nebuna: mai era putin si ajungeam la tine. 

M-am oprit la marginea haului sa privesc inca odata lumea din jur: trecutul, viitorul, prezentul jalnic. Ce pierdeam, sau cine ma pierdea. Am zambit triumfator, am tras aer in piept si am infruntat realitatea: m-am aruncat in gol.

Plutesc, sau zbor, si asta de o vreme. Te vad din ce in ce mai aproape, ma imbat cu tine, si astept sa imi finalizez picajul, sperand ascuns ca undeva, pe parcurs, sa ma opresc brutal in bratele tale, inainte de a ma imprastia pe fundul prapastiei fara nume.

***

The abyss in the dream loomed crazily before my demented eyes and drew me with a force I couldn't explain, because we both knew I didn't want to understand it. And I approached its edge, with slow but sure steps, driven by curiosity and self-destructive desires, I stared into the abyss with dilated pupils.

In the abyss I saw your smile, unique, enchanted, and tears stopped in my soul and froze there, blood boiled and rushed to my heart, and a mad desire urged me to learn to fly. I told myself I don't have to have wings to fly, as long as the flight is downward. Just to reach you, to wipe away the tear I felt on your cheek.

I felt pairs of mute hands stopping me, desperately grabbing my arms, my hair, my legs, but I stepped forward, my step slow and determined, my gaze growing wild. The ground beneath my feet was getting rougher and rougher, I could feel it slipping beneath my soles, and instead of being afraid, I was filled with a mad joy: I was almost there. 

I stopped at the edge of the haystack to look once more at the world around me: the past, the future, the pitiful present. What I was missing, or who was missing me. I smiled triumphantly, took a deep breath and faced reality: I threw myself into the void.

I've been floating, or flying, for a while now. I see you getting closer and closer, I'm falling with you, and I wait to complete my plunge, secretly hoping that somewhere along the way I'll come to a brutal stop in your arms, before I splatter myself to the bottom of the nameless abyss.