Oda nesimtirii / Ode to not giving a fuck

Ma straduiesc sa imi tastez gandurile, savurand ultimele resturi din inghetata mea preferata. Sunt singura si pe fundal plange Black Sabbath, si camera rasuna a gol. Si in marea cautare de subiecte, imi dau seama de imensul vid mental care ma cuprinde. Realizez ca nu-mi pasa de nimic in seara asta, nu ma supara si nu ma bucura nimic. Nu sunt scarbita, nici dezgusta, nici incantata, nici fericita. Sunt inerta, nu ma misca nimic, sunt imuna la orice, acum, in clipa asta, si realizez cat de bine imi e asa. As vrea sa gasesc reteta care m-a adus la starea asta, si sa ma transform intr-o mare de nesimtire, asta ca sa fiu cel mai fericit om de pe pamant. Am reusit azi sa imi impun nesimtirea, si cred ca niciodata nu am avut mai mare succes, cel putin fata de mine insami. Am reusit sa reprim sentimentul de mare nedreptate indurata, de dezgust si de tristete. Si sunt mandra de asta, sunt fericita, doar pentru ca pur si simplu nu-mi pasa. La un anumit nivel, am gasit reteta fericirii si a succesului.

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I struggle to type my thoughts, savoring the last remnants of my favorite ice cream. I'm alone and Black Sabbath is crying in the background, and the room rings hollow. And in the great search for subjects, I realize the immense mental void that is overtaking me. I realize that I don't care about anything tonight, I don't get upset or happy about anything. I'm neither disgusted, nor disgusted, nor excited, nor happy. I am inert, I am not moved, I am immune to everything, right now, in this moment, and I realize how good it feels. I wish I could find the recipe that brought me to this state, and turn myself into a sea of insensibility, so that I could be the happiest girl on earth. I managed to impose my insensitivity today, and I think I have never been more successful, at least with myself. I managed to suppress the feeling of great injustice I had suffered, of disgust and sadness. And I'm proud of that, I'm happy, just because I simply don't care. On some level, I have found the recipe for happiness and success.